What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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