Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Randomize
