Michael Bay diarrhea
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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