Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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