i permit you to call me
You smell like stripper and shame
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
