oh god the rape fog is back!
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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