I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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