Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
