Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
