I got chris browned last night
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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