marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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