I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
