If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
did i walk over a car last night?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
