Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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