so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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