mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
