My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
