you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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