I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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