did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
