my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
