My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
