i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
