I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
