I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize