I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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