now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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