Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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