whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize