I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
