do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
