Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
