I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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