My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
