i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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