I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
