mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You dont lie about slip and slides
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
