god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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