Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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