In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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