I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
