Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
