my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
