Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize