ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
