she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
