Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my being single is dangerous.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
