I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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