After last night, I could never be a politician.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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