every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
