Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
