put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
