I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
