this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
