So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize