Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
