i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
