my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
