is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
nutella sex= disaster
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
