I hate your face
i think i have two assholes
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
