I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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