Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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