One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
