Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
