I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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